Author, editor, and story coach Deborah Froese is on a mission to spark change through the stories we share. www.deborahfroese.com
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What Stands in YOUR Way? someone else, or take part in an activity with worrisome results, trust is harder to come by the next time around. Because failing at earlier goals such as meeting a self- imposed deadline, initiating a difficult discussion, or mending an important relationship evoked shame, I didn’t trust that I had the capacity to set objectives and achieve them. So, I stopped setting firm targets, sought places to lay blame, and stayed where I was, evoking guilt.
Okay. I admit it. For far too long, I responded to difficult situations by playing the blame game. Who or what was responsible? Although I viewed that approach as a reasonable way to problem-solve, it didn’t serve me well. Instead of providing solutions, it identified people and situations to blame and, therefore, avoid. By playing the blame game, I gave my power away—after all, if they caused it, only they could fix it. It kept me stuck. Sometimes, if I don’t pay attention, it still keeps me stuck. Maybe it’s standing in your way too. Before going further, let’s acknowledge the distinction between being responsible and accepting responsibility. Being responsible is proactive. It means taking charge of your life and striving to fulfill your commitments to the best of your ability. Accepting responsibility, on the other hand, is responsive. It means choosing to make the best of whatever happens in your life, whether those events are initiated by you or someone else. When I played the blame game, I thought of myself as being a responsible person. However, on a subconscious level, when situations went awry, I associated accepting responsibility with guilt or shame rather than an opportunity for growth. By asking who or what is at fault rather than what I can do to improve the situation and what is holding me back, I ignored my power to change the situation. Doing so augmented my view of mistakes or failures as the ultimate loss, risked great relationships, and let great opportunities fly by. The blame game is a barrier to success. So why do we play? Avoidance of pain—shame or guilt—are obvious. But there’s more. The Law of Hindrance states the barrier to success has two root causes: a lack of trust or a lack of discipline. Both impacted me.
Lack of discipline. Without discipline, nothing gets done. Boring but essential grunt work is flung to the sidelines as something to tackle later. New, challenging tasks that force us to face the unknown are interminably delayed. In my case, I found it tough to sustain discipline when I didn’t trust myself to achieve my objectives. Why bother investing time and energy in something that might fail? Giving up the blame game means taking a good, hard look at yourself to figure out what is holding you back. Dig deep enough, and you’ll likely find a lack of trust in yourself or others or a lack of discipline. Lest I sound as though I have the blame game fully under control, let me be fully transparent: at times, the temptation to play is real. However, understanding the root causes behind the compulsion and experiencing great results by accepting responsibility makes it easier to avoid. If you’re reading The Bellwether Magazine, chances are you’ve already achieved success or are well on your way. Perhaps you no longer play the blame game. But if you ever catch yourself facing a roadblock, take some time for introspection and make sure you accept responsibility for it. Whether it’s a stalemate with your partner or teenage offspring, a difficult employee, or an untenable financial situation, ask yourself, What can I do to improve the situation? Then, explore what might stand in your way of getting it done. Dig deep enough, and you’ll likely find a lack of trust or discipline at play.
Lack of trust. Trust broken begets mistrust. If you break a promise to yourself, experience a broken promise from
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